


Breathe This Secretly

by Nanashi Jones (miaoujones)



Series: Dummy [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Friendship, Light BDSM, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-06
Updated: 2007-05-06
Packaged: 2017-12-19 05:46:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miaoujones/pseuds/Nanashi%20Jones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you think it's different with a guy than it is with a girl?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe This Secretly

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from lyrics to Portishead's "Numb."

It's not until they've collapsed down onto the grass that Renji feels just how exhausted he is; he looks over and sees Shuuhei sprawled out flat on his back. Shuuhei has been pushing himself hard since the defection, and since Renji agreed to become his sparring partner, that means Renji's been getting pushed hard too. He doesn't mind; going hard means getting stronger and that's always a good thing. But this isn't normal training. It's like Shuuhei is not just driving himself but being driven. Renji is sure Shuuhei goes just as hard when he's training by himself. If Shuuhei has achieved bankai, though, he hasn't revealed it in their sessions.

Shuuhei needs bankai to take over the captain's seat in the 9th and his redoubled efforts are understandable in that regard alone. But Renji is sure there's more to it. Even though Shuuhei never talks about him by name, even though he can flip off comments about "the traitors" and "the defectors" without a tremor in voice or eyelash, Renji would bet anything that Shuuhei still thinks about Tousen: that he thinks about what he will do should they meet again.

Kira must think about the same thing. Or, not the same thing, not exactly. But something similar. Kira must think about Ichimaru a lot...

Renji picks up a stone and skips it across the water, once, twice, thrice before it slips beneath. He gets up to five hits with his next stone. As he watches the next one skip its way across the surface, he says, "Do you think it's different with a guy than it is with a girl?" As he turns to find another flat stone, he sees that Shuuhei is looking at him. "I mean," Renji says as his fingers close around a good candidate, "I know the fucking would be different." He fires off the stone. "But what about the rest of it?" The stone makes a passing divot in the surface. "Kissing and sucking and all." The edge digs into the surface, bounces up again. "A hand is a hand, a mouth is a mouth, right?" Now the stone sinks below the waterline and Renji looks at Shuuehi again to see what he thinks.

Hands behind his head, Shuuhei continues studying him. When their eyes meet, Shuuhei says, "Want to find out?"

"With Kira?"

"I meant right now." Shuuhei grins and shrugs, raises an eyebrow. "But if you're set on Kira..."

Even though he's not sure what's funny, exactly, Renji feels the joke at his expense in the rush of blood to his face. He glares at Shuuhei, who has turned his attention obliviously to a cloud passing overhead. "You're fucking with me."

"I'm not." Shuuhei shrugs again, no longer grinning as he follows the cloud's progress. "I thought you really wanted to know if it's different to kiss a guy than a girl."

"Okay," Renji says before he can change his own mind; and before Shuuhei can change his, Renji leans down and kisses him. 

A mouth, it turns out, is not a mouth. Or at least a kiss is not a kiss. Or anyhow kissing Shuuhei is not like kissing any of the girls Renji has kissed. It's not completely different but it's not exactly the same. It's not harder but it's not as soft; Shuuhei's lips are soft but the kiss is not. The kiss feels bigger than the space inside his mouth; and then Shuuhei's teeth dig into his lip and Renji stops thinking and just kisses, just is kissed.

"Well?" Shuuhei asks when they part. 

Renji turns away to look for another stone. "Yeah." He fingers the stone he's found but doesn't throw it. 

After a while he hears Shuuhei stir beside him and Renji gets to his feet too. They walk in silence. "We should go out tonight," Shuuhei says as they're coming to the intersection that splits their paths. 

"Yeah, okay."

"Maybe we should get Kira to come with us," Shuuhei says with the same casualness he uses when speaking of Aizen and them. Somehow it relieves Renji, to know that Shuuhei thinks about Kira as much as he does.

"Yeah," he says again, "okay."

"Okay, then." Shuuhei turns and starts down his own path. "See you later."

As Renji walks his own way, he soothes his thumb over his lips, tracing the upper, lingering along the lower.

 

When Kira opens the door to their knocking that night, he is so surprised to see them that he forgets to smile for a split-second. But then, of course, he gets the corners of his mouth up.

"Haven't seen you in a while," Shuuhei says with a grin as they seat themselves. "Thought you were avoiding us."

"Funny," Kira says, though his face reflects no humor, "I thought _you_ were avoiding _me_."

Renji doesn't look at either one of them. When Kira breaks the silence, Renji looks up to find that he has lowered his eyes as well: "I shouldn't have said that."

"Yes, you should," Shuuhei says, "if that's what you really think." No one speaks. Then Shuuhei says, quietly, "Is it?"

Kira doesn't reply. Then he shrugs. "I thought maybe you were disgusted." His eyes remain focused on his hands in his lap. "I know you saw, the other night." He doesn't elaborate but goes on even more quietly, "You must have put it together."

Before Shuuhei can stop him, Renji blurts out, "So it's true? Ichimaru was fucking you?"

Kira meets his eyes now. He holds Renji's gaze as he moistens his lips and then says, "Ichimaru never fucked me." His eyes slide away again. His words settle in the air around them, weighting it with vague implications. Then, softly, eyes downcast: "Don't tell her, please."

Before Renji can ask who they're not telling what, Shuuhei says, "We won't tell Hinamori anything," and Renji feels something snap and lurch inside him even as Shuuhei is promising, "We won't tell anyone anything." He turns meaningfully to Renji, who can only nod.

Kira nods, too. After a long moment, he looks at them and says, "It's not what you think." Renji is sure this is true, since he doesn't know what he is thinking; he might not be thinking anything at all right now. "It wasn't his fault. Ichimaru didn't tell me to go to him. He didn't even ask; it was my idea. I wanted to go. I wanted to keep going. I." Kira is somehow not meeting their eyes, even though he is looking from one of them to the other. "I liked it."

"Is that why you thought we were avoiding you?" Shuuhei asks gently. "Because you liked it the other night? When we were holding you down, and—"

"Yes," Kira cuts him off quietly.

"It's okay to like that, you know. There's nothing inherently wrong, or," Shuuhei reaches back for Kira's word, "disgusting about it."

"Nothing inherently disgusting," Kira repeats. He looks at Shuuhei. "So then is it disgusting because I liked it with them?" The plural hits Renji so hard his mouth comes open a little, but nothing comes out. "Or with you?" 

Renji is still reeling from the comparison, wondering incongruously if he is Aizen or if he's Ichimaru, when Shuuhei says, "It's not disgusting." Shuuhei dares to reach out and take Kira's chin in hand when it looks like Kira is starting to turn away and forces Kira to meet his eye. "I'm not disgusted."

Shuuhei and Kira remained locked in the gaze even when Shuuhei drops his hand. Looking between them as they look at each other, Renji feels he should contribute something too. "I'm not disgusted, either," he announces. They turn to him. Kira's smile says he appreciates the gesture though he doesn't quite believe it. Renji's brows knit. "I'm not," he asserts, determined to wipe that particular smile away. "I kissed Shuuhei," he adds, although as the words leave his mouth, he's not sure what he thought they would prove.

Kira is openly cocking an eyebrow at him now. He looks to Shuuhei for confirmation. "He did," Shuuhei avers with a grin: "We did, just this afternoon."

Kira is smiling too as he looks between them. "Well, I would have liked to have seen that," he says in the newly relaxed air. "I bet you're both really good kissers."

Shuuhei's grin flashes wider in acknowledgment of the compliment before he turns to Renji and leans in close. His lips barely move but Renji recognizes the silent 'ok', turned into a question by the quirk of Shuuhei's brow. Renji nods and Shuuhei closes the distance. Their mouths meet for the second time today, the second time ever, and this time Renji doesn't even try to think about it, he just does it, which is just how kissing should be. 

When they part, they see that Kira has averted his gaze, a fine flush dusting his cheeks. "You missed it," Shuuhei complains. When Kira upturns his face, Shuuhei leans in and swallows, mouth to mouth, any reply he might have made.

Now it's Renji's turn to color. He doesn't turn away, though; it's like he can't help watching. He watches the way their mouths move together, the flashes of space as lips part, the flashes of tongue from one mouth to another. He watches Shuuhei's hands, splayed out along Kira's neck and jawline, fingertips massaging the kiss into Kira's skin. He watches the flutter of Kira's lashes.

When their kiss breaks, Renji sees Shuuhei's lips form the same word they did for him—"okay?"—and, like he did, Kira nods. Shuuhei smiles at him and Kira smiles a little too, and then Shuuhei turns back to Renji and his smile softens against Renji's mouth again. This time when Shuuhei pulls back, he draws Renji with him, hand on the back of Renji's head as he leans towards Kira, holding Renji close to their kiss; and then inviting him into it. 

It's like going into water, the first cool shock of it against your skin shivering through you. But then it warms; you warm to it, and it warms you. That's what their tongues in his mouth are like, making him shiver, sweeping along the shiver of his lips, soothing him; that's what their hands are like, the one on his face, the one in his hair, fingers of each sliding down and around to meet at the nape of his neck. Warm and deep and warmer, that's what this is like.

As they kiss, Renji tries to figure out which tongue is twirling in his mouth at any given moment, whose tongue is darting and curling back, inviting his to come with it. He knows but only by their relative positions, not from any inherent traits of their kissing. If they keep kissing, he might be able to learn them eventually by the flicks and licks and tricks of their tongues. But they're more alike than different and he feels another shock, one far less pleasant, as he realizes he was expecting Kira to be noticeably softer than Shuuhei. Renji is disgusted with himself. Kira shouldn't worry about judgments; Renji is the disgusting one here.

Shuuhei's mouth slips away entirely from his, and Renji wonders bizarrely if he has somehow transmitted his loathsomeness into the kiss. Then he feels the vibrations as Kira moans against his lips and he opens his eyes; mouth still fastened with Kira's, all he can see is blond hair and swept-down lashes. His hand is on Kira's neck and, in the wake of another moan in his mouth, he feels Shuuhei's lips brush across his knuckles, and then Shuuhei must be on Kira's skin again because more vibrations are purring down Renji's throat.

Renji inhales as he swallows, feels Kira's kiss sliding down into his belly, coiling and curling up warm. He closes his eyes again, blindly brushes the hair back from Kira's face, parts his lips wider as he pushes against Kira's tongue, coaxes it back into his mouth and suckles at it, drinking the moans that trip off the tip. 

Breath rushes out through Renji as Kira inhales; breath tugs between them, and then their mouths part, and their eyes meet. As they breathe in new air, the kiss transfers to their gaze, unbroken. The kiss doesn't feel broken even when they blink unsynchronized. 

"Can I suck your cock?" Kira asks.

Renji nods. He watches Kira's eyes on his own hands and Renji's gaze follows; he kneels up when Kira's hands ask him to, and he watches Kira push aside some layers, draw others down, he watches Kira expose him. Kira lowers himself to the floor between Renji's knees, and Renji watches Kira wet his lips. Their eyes meet for a flash before Kira's lashes sweep down, and Renji's own gaze sweeps down to watch Kira place wet lips against his cockhead. Like their first, this kiss makes Renji shiver; he shivers more when Kira parts his lips and slides them down, engulfing Renji; Kira's lips and teeth slide up and Renji's fingers dig uselessly at the floor, then splay out, his toes curling as Kira curls and drags the flat of his tongue around the underside of Renji's head. Renji's eyes close with pleasure as Kira licks and flicks and sucks, twirling around him, tongue curling and pushing Renji against the soft, slick wall of his inner cheek. Kira takes him deeper, goes shallow, repeats it all, all the while holding him with firm, wet suction. 

Renji opens his eyes because there is also pleasure in watching. Kira isn't smiling now; his mouth is too full of Renji to smile. Renji is too full of something to smile, himself. Then the something spills out past his lips as he murmurs Kira's name: "Izuru…"

Kira looks up in response without breaking his rhythm on Renji. When Renji only looks, Kira closes his eyes again and continues, now tonguing the glans, now tonguing the rim of his foreskin. They go on, Renji learning the flicks and licks and tricks of Kira's kiss, the vibrations and tones of Kira's moans. And he realizes some of the moans are coming from his own throat. He turns to Shuuhei, who has come to kneel beside him some time before, takes Shuuhei's face with both hands, and kisses him hard.

As they kiss, Shuuhei covers one of Renji's hands, cradling Renji's palm against his own jawline. Then he lifts Renji's hand to twine fingers with him, lifts more and guides Renji to Kira's head, both of them tangling in Kira's hair before Shuuhei's fingers slip from Renji's, his tongue slips from Renji's mouth, he slips away to kneel beside Kira. Shuuhei slaps Kira's ass and Kira jerks, chokes a moan around Renji's cock but doesn't come off. His lashes flutter and then he closes his eyes tighter as he keeps sucking, as Shuuhei slaps him again, and again. And Renji finds a new rhythm of his own, alternating his gaze between Kira's mouth and Shuuhei's hand. 

He breaks his rhythm when Shuuhei does, giving his visual focus over to Shuuhei's hand. But Kira doesn't break, he just keeps sucking and moaning as Shuuhei strips him from the waist down to bare his flesh. Shuuhei glances at Renji, waits for Renji to meet his eyes and holds him in the gaze as he brings his hand down with an audible smack this time.

Kira moans deeper; his face flushes deeper, the flush spreads down what Renji can see of his body. He swallows convulsively with the next blow, then recovers the suck-rhythm, swallowing Renji, deliberately swallowing around him, and it's Renji's turn to moan deeper. Shuuhei keeps spanking Kira, and Kira keeps swallowing Renji, and Renji just keeps moaning. He pushes one hand through Kira's bangs to hold them back so he can see Kira's whole face as Kira sucks him, then puts his other hand on the floor behind him to take his weight as he arches and pushes into Kira's mouth and comes. Kira keeps Renji in his mouth, softer now, both Kira's mouth and Renji's cock in it softening, Kira swallowing even these last, late spurts.

But Shuuhei hasn't softened his hand against Kira's ass. He doesn't lessen the blows until Kira finally relinquishes Renji's cock; then with a "come here", Shuuhei pulls him upright, Kira's back pressed to Shuuhei's chest. He looks over Kira's shoulder down Kira's body, and Renji follows the gaze down to see Kira's cock flushed a dark red, a faint slick trail on his belly where the head has been pressed against it. "Should I have been doing it harder?" Shuuhei asks, still holding Kira to him. 

Kira shifts sideways in his arms just enough to look back at Shuuhei. "No, it was good," Kira says, and smiles a little, and Renji wonders what Kira would do if he slapped the smile. 

Shuuhei moves his hand down from Kira's chest, but Kira blocks him before Shuuhei can reach his cock. "That's not necessary," he smiles.

"Renji," Shuuhei says, still looking into Kira's eyes, "get his hands."

Kira doesn't switch his gaze to Renji until Renji's fingers are closing around his wrists. "Switch places with me," Shuuhei says now, "but keep his hands." It takes some orchestrating but they manage it, resettling with Renji kneeling behind, Shuuhei kneeling in front, Kira struggling between them, his arms held crossed over his chest and secured at the wrists by Renji. Shuuhei moves Kira's feet to the outside of Renji's, coaxes his stance a little wider still and then rests his hands on Kira's thighs, bringing his weight to them as he leans in. "Are you going to keep your legs like this, or do we have to bind you?"

Kira turns his head against Renji's shoulder. "Good," Shuuhei murmurs, slides his hands down Kira's thighs to the bend of his knees and then back up. 

Renji is less sure of Kira's complicity. Kira is not struggling anymore but neither has he relaxed; he is taut in Renji's arms, silent and motionless except for the hard rise and fall of his chest. "Shuuhei," Renji says, and when Shuuhei looks at him, Renji says, "Do you think we're going too far?"

"I think he might want us to tie him up," Shuuhei says, looking at Kira again even though Kira's face is still turned away. Shuuhei's eyes flicker with movement as he studies Kira's profile. Kira remains rigid in Renji's arms. "Bring his hands behind your back," Shuuhei decides. 

A soft whine emanates from Kira's throat and Renji has a flash of holding him down the other night, which is what started tonight, after all. So he reaffirms his hold on Kira's wrists, then unfolds his arms and brings them behind, Kira's arms wrapped back around him, their hands gathered at the small of Renji's back. When Shuuhei directs him to sit Kira in his lap, Renji settles back on his heels, bringing Kira with him.

Kira is looking forward again, though his face is tilted down instead of at Shuuhei, his hair veiling half of it. Renji wants to comb it back with his fingers but they are occupied still with Kira's wrists. Shuuhei leans forward over Kira's head, reaching as he does so to cup the back of Renji's neck, and kisses Renji open-mouthed, with just a flicker of tongue. Then his hand slips from Renji and he bends down and transfers the kiss on the tip of his tongue to Kira's cockhead. 

Kira arches. Renji tightens on Kira's wrists, tugging back so Kira's shoulders stay against him. Kira holds the arch of his hips as Shuuhei starts to go down on him; and then Kira is moving again, not struggling this time but pushing helplessly for Shuuhei's mouth. Shuuhei stretches out on the floor, one arm crooked to prop himself up and hold Kira at the base, the other hand riding Kira's hip as it pushes forward, pushing back against it in turn. Then Shuuhei centers his hand on Kira's torso, pushes harder and Kira slides up Renji's thighs. Renji grunts at the pressure on his cock, bent the wrong way. "Fuck," he curses, unsuccessfully trying to shift Kira's weight.

His bucking forces Kira deeper into Shuuhei's mouth and Shuuhei gags a little, has to come off him. "Fuck, sorry," Renji says. "He's just," he bucks again but Shuuhei has both hands on Kira's hips now and Kira can't be budged, "right on me."

Shuuhei nods in comprehension. "Don't let go," he instructs Renji. Then he coaxes Kira to arch up again, slips his own hand between and tucks Renji's cock up against his belly before settling Kira back down. When Shuuhei resumes sucking him, Kira's arch stutters against the pressure of Shuuhei's hand, once more at his hip, and he winds up grinding back against Renji; this time the weight and friction are not unpleasant and Renji feels a hot little thrill stir in his cock. 

Kira turns again, this time tucking under Renji's chin and then tilting up so Renji feels his breath. "Please," Kira murmurs helplessly, "please~". Renji tightens a little more around Kira's wrists and Kira moans inarticulately before the litany falls from his lips again, "please~, please~, please~". Renji doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what else he can do, and so he kisses Kira. He presses his lips to Kira's temple, and when Kira lifts and twists, Renji twists too, covers Kira's mouth with his own, inhales the next 'please', licks the litany from Kira's mouth. His hands slide from Kira's wrists to entwine with Kira's fingers, which curl hard and tight around him. Kira breaks the kiss for another "please", his hands pushing downward in Renji's; and after a moment Renji gets the idea and gives up Kira's fingers for his wrists again, encircling them securely, tightening for more than security, and Kira moans sweet inarticulation responsively into Renji's mouth.

Then Kira arches up hard, his thighs tightening and pressing in against Renji's. Renji drags his mouth from Kira's to look down and watch Shuuhei swallowing. A strand of mingled come and saliva stretches between the corner of his mouth and Kira's cock as Shuuhei moves back, elongating until it finally snaps when Shuuhei sits up. Renji lets go and Kira slides forward out of his lap, hands braced on his knees, spine curved, breathing shaky.

Shuuhei brushes his fingers through the fall of Kira's hair but doesn't push it aside. "Too much?" he asks. Kira shakes his head without looking up. "Enough?" Shuuhei asks quietly, and Kira doesn't respond. And Renji realizes that for the first time in this whole affair, he is ahead of Shuuhei on the curve: because Renji looks at Kira now, and understands that it will never be enough.


End file.
